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Okay Maria, I've heard you.

Folks, my friend Maria wants me to add HER personal stories of woe about working for the public. Maria is a waitress and says she knows first-hand that you people are rude, vicious, lying, cheats! Okay, maybe she's still a bit stressed after last night's shift. Here are Maria's complaints about waitressing.

Everyone goes to a restaurant and expects good food, good service and a good experience. Some of you people go to restaurants to make the wait staff's lives miserable, get as much free food as possible and leave the restaurant thinking you're all that. Maria says not only are waiters better able to exact their revenge immediately, unlike phone reps they can get away w/it! Take the free advice:

Are you the kind of person who will send food back two or three times and never be satisfied? Let me tell you what happens in the kitchen. Somehow your food invariably always falls to the floor or may be stepped on. Sometimes human phlegm or soap may inadvertently be placed on your plate, especially soup. If you're out and you think the food as it's prepared is not right, you'd better think twice before calling over the waiter and bellowing out your displeasure. Trust me on this, snot-boy.

Okay, maybe you're the person who always finds something wrong w/the utensils or glasses. You always need replacements when you sit down. Hummm, bad idea. Maria has known times when that fork you sent to be replaced is actually swiped inside a human mouth, then dried and returned to your hands. Word of advice, unless that utensil still has dried stuck on egg, dampen an edge of your napkin and wipe it off yourself.

Are you the table that needs something every two minutes, not giving the poor waiter time to serve his/her other tables? Stop that! Use what you have until the waiter's in your area again, or just simply ask the other table to share their salt, sugar, Tabisco etc. You people that think that waiter was hired just to wait on you and your greedy family are out of touch, selfish and rude.

If you're like most people, we return to the same places to eat. If you know the wait staff is short, don't become boorish and overbearing. We all know that Chinese restaurants don't hire enough waiters to serve a full restaurant. As a matter of fact, two of the best Chinese restaurants in my town usually have two to three waitresses so we know we're going to have to wait for our dinner. So, because we know this, we don't trip when the service is slow. We get up and get our own tea, chili, take-out boxes and stuff. We'd rather do this than go w/o eating delicious foods.

Now this part is all about me: please don't blow your nasty nose at the table. I don't want to hear that while I'm eating. I also don't want to hear you belch, fart or talk on your cell phone. I don't want to hear you bad-mouthing the wait staff, I don't want to know you can find better food at other restaurants, I especially don't want to hear your religious beliefs. While I'm eating I expect you to leave me and my party alone, unless we're too loud.

So Maria, I hope this suffices. The moral of this story? Eat your food or take it home to Fido, don't complain about the service UNTIL you've completed your dinner and by all means, stay at home if seeing happy people gets on your nerves!