Know Your Place, Ingrate!

If there's ever been a question in my mind that those of you who are credit-hungry but not credit worthy are pitifully stupid (yeah, I made that up), it's having to talk to you when your cards have been denied.

I think back to my days on the phone when I'd have to field your calls when the charges have been cancelled either because you didn't pay the bill or because we deemed it necessary. My favourite calls were when Joe Dummy would call in, foaming and frothing at the mouth, screaming and cursing, threatening and bullying because we cut off his card. It would give me immeasurable pleasure to tell Dummy that we cut off his card because he hadn't paid the bill. Here's a taste of what that conversation sounded like:

"Mr. Dummy (you idiot), our records indicate we haven't received a full payment in sixty days. Because of this, we've suspended charges on the account until the account is current. So unfortunately, (gladly) you'll have to use another card (you're outta luck, schmuck) until this account is paid." Dummy would be panting and promising to sue us (you can afford a lawyer but can't pay a $468 balance?), threatening to cut up his card (in another month, we're cancelling you, anyway, Bozo) and tell all his friends not to use our card (you're gonna tell all TWO of them that your pay history was so bad we cancelled your sorry tail?). Finally, because he couldn't get a rise out of me or because he knew (wisely) I didn't care if he fell into an open hole filled with grenades he'd ask, no DEMAND my supervisor.

Sometimes, depending on the account status my supe would take the call, most of the time though I'd have to transfer to our credit department. If you've ever had to speak to Credit, you know your account life means sooooo little to them. Credit analysts don't have to be nice or polite like regular phone reps. Their job is to get slow or no paying slugs like some of you to pay your accounts. They don't care that "you've been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease" or that "you're waiting for your company to reimburse you" or that "the check's in the mail" or that "you're in a business slump and can't pay anything but because you've been with us so long you think we should extend further credit to you". All Credit wants is their money and they'll get it out of you or send you to Collections Purgatory where the analysts are even more cutthroat.

Speaking of Collections, do you know how they make their money? By the amount of money they can get you to promise to pay. These people literally have the power of life and death in their hands because just by hitting a button they can sell your account to private collection agencies who will mark up your credit report like the tattoos found on Jesse James! Make 'em mad by lying to them or being rude, and you'll be trying to clean up their bootmarks off your sorry butt for seven to ten years.

So, the moral of this story? If you're ever past due on an account because you haven't paid the bill, do your ego a favour and not escalate to a supervisor or you're gonna get sent to Credit who'll rip you a new one:-) Don't say I didn't warn you.