The Machines Are Coming

Okay, this is for all of us who have tried to order medicine from the largest prescription-by-mail company that your company insurance has forced you to use.

I don't like having to order my prescription medication from this company, or any company for that matter. I like the convenience of going to my local Walgreen's and dropping my Rx off and picking it up when I'm able. This also gives me another excuse for shopping some of the cheap, stuff-I've-never-seen-before items that can only be found at places like Walgreen's. So when my company forced its employees to use this new company to order and WAIT for our Rx's, I wasn't too happy.

So here I am, mid-month and knowing I'm going out of town for vacation, calling Rx Headquarters to have my Rx delivered before I leave and I run smack into voice request hell. Not only does this company force me to order my meds and wait for it to be delivered, now I've got to try and outsmart its automated system. Here's what happened today when trying to renew my Rx. I am feeling better, thanks.

VR: "Thank you for calling Rx Mafia. I am an automated system and can help you with your request today. If at any time I'm unable I'll be glad to connect you with a representative. To get started, please tell me why you're calling."

ME: (confidently) "Check on Rx order status."

VR: "Okay, I can help you with that. Please speak your Rx number located on the side of your Rx bottle, highlighted in yellow."

ME: (still confident), "Operator."

VR: "I'm sorry. Please enter your Rx located on the side of your Rx bottle..."

ME: (rolling eyes heavenward), "Operator."

VR: "I'm still having trouble understanding you. And before you think you can just bypass me, you're very wrong. Enter you Rx number located...."

ME: (forcefully), "Operator! Operator! Operator"

VR: (challengingly), "I see. You're asking for a representative, is that correct?"

ME: (exasperated), "YES! I need an operator!"

VR: "Okay, I can connect you to an operator after I have a few more minutes making your poor little unimportant life even more miserable. Please tell me your member number located on the front of your card."

ME: (rapid pulse, quickening heartbeat), "012345678. Stupid machine!"

VR: (smugly, I swear), "Thanks. Before I can connect you I do need to know why you're calling. And this time sweetie? Take the 'tude down a few notches."

ME: (sweating, tightness in chest, pain in left arm, gasping), "Operator! What does it take?"

VR: (raised eyebrows, nonchalantly), "Okay, I'll connect you to an operator. Please hold a few minutes. Your call will be handled in the order in which it was received. But because you have such a nasty attitude, I'm gonna make sure you're at the back of the line!"

ME: (blurred vision, sweating profusely), "Oh God! Someone help me please!"