This is For You, Blue Girl

This is a new type of post because my girl Debo Blue put me on blast on her blog while I was out of circulation (see previous blog on traveling) and she knew I wouldn't see it until I got back and got around to reading her blog. Because all's fair in love and war I've decided to give my perspective on our friendship and HER personality/genetic makeup.

I feel safe writing this now because I know at this moment she's just gotten out of class and is probably somewhere having coffee w/her boy David (more on him later). She won't be on the Internet until tomorrow afternoon and by that time I'll be unreachable until tomorrow night, snicker, snicker. So Blue, this is for you!

Debo and I became friends after meeting in an elevator at work and I told her I was going abroad. She was all excited and told of her travels to Europe. After that conversation she would speak to me and we started just hanging.

Now when I say Debo spoke to me let me clarify this point, Debo's sorta strange. She smiles most times and speaks to anybody, but she will always make a point to speak to black people. I've asked her why she does this and she says it was her upbringing to speak to blacks because they're all family or some discriminatory story like that. D will speak to the Mexican cleaning crew. She speaks enough Spanish to converse with them so most of them know her by name etc. There's no one she won't speak to unless they make a point of not wanting to speak to her.

She appears very confident and easy in her skin but she is a coward, plain and simple. She even jokes that one of her black managers told her she (the manager) was going to take her (Debo's)sista card because she won't stand up for herself. D says it's because it's not a battle she chooses to fight, she'll wait for the important one to come along and then battle, but because it takes so long to get her upset, I'm thinking she's letting too many people walk all over her. Everyone but me.

There's no limit of times she's not told me to do this, live this way, don't live this way. She may not respect my choices but she doesn't beat me down all the time about them. And I respect her choices too. I mean really, this girl won't go to a karioke bar because it's a bar. She doesn't gamble, doesn't smoke, drink, won't see rated R movies or read any books with graphic sexual content. Her views on God are archaic and too constraining. I tell her Orthodox Jews drink and dance all the time, so if they're God's chosen and can do all that why can't she? Anyway, that horse is dead.

She's very intelligent but she has to analyze everything! Really, she does. She's also a Class A, certified germophobe. Everyday she swathes down her workstation with Clorox wipes, won't touch other's computer mice, won't share pens or pencils, NEVER eats or drinks after anyone, doesn't shake hands, will hold her urine for hours to avoid using public toilets. Everything grosses her out-dead bugs, overflowing garbage cans, sharing pillows, watching people eat. She's a black female Felix Unger.

But, she's very defensive of the weak and not-well-liked. She has morals and values. She's trustworthy, doesn't gossip and won't accept hateful gossip, she genuinely cares about people and spends a lot of money helping her family (my opinion-too much) She's got a great sense of humor and a sharp tongue that can make a defensive lineback cry.

I don't know what she's going to do after reading this. I'm sure some of this is going to push her buttons so if I don't hear from her this weekend I'll call David and see what she's thinking about the blog. Oh yeah, almost forgot David.

See, Debo has a lot of friends and we're all her best friends. How's that possible? David is D's best friend and they have even less in common than we do. But, David loves to travel and he loves football, two of the biggest loves for Debo. I personally think David has a crush on Debo but she won't entertain that thought because he dates women who look the opposite of her and has never said or done anything but be a friend. Still analyzing things as you can see. David dates strippers and ho's and anyone who looks like a stripper or ho. But he will come running to D if she simply flicks her finger. David has actually left a date, come help D, then went back to the date. I'm serious!

So, why are we friends? Because she leaves me alone and I leave her alone. Because she makes me realize life's not that serious ALL the time. She always says, "If you have your health, the other problems will work themselves out. Thank God for your health!" Because she needs a white friend like me who grew up in the black 'hood so I know how to keep it real and because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can call her anytime of night just to have her talk to me. If there are no more posts on this site or you read about my death, you'll know that she's really mad at me!

Debo Blue, holla at your gurrrl!

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Signs That the End is Near

If you're paying attention to the news and the decay of social norms, especially here in the States, you'll agree we're on our way to The End. Here are my signs and beliefs that we won't be here very long:

1. We're on the cusp of graduating high school seniors who can't read. Anything. English or Spanish, they can't read. And this is is how they're prepared to win the global wars?

2. Mad Cow and Asian Bird 'flu. So now we can no longer safely eat red meat, pork or fowl, spinach and lettuce. Wow, I guess my love for Top Ramen will keep me around longer than my vegetarian friends.

3. Dead politicians receive more votes than their living candidates. Wow!

4. American life, as we know it, continues to be destroyed. Don't believe me? Ask all the auto workers in Detroit trying to move down South to find jobs.

5. When did it become taboo to say Merry Christmas? If people are offended about us Christians celebrating our holiday, make them go back to their countries during the months of November and December.

6. Eating disorders, once the exclusive illness of the very rich has now become widespread, even to girls as young as eight years old! You mothers who are beating down your girls for weighing more than 75 pounds should have your mouths wired shut until the girls complete high school.

7. Political candidates are using hate as their platform. What?? Have we completely forgotten 9/11 and how we are family?

8. The Chicago Bears are on their way to winning their division title (DeboBlue, holla at your girl!)

9. Slave/sex trafficking is rampant to the point of coming a close 2nd only to drug trafficking.

10. Large corporations are now being led by the Board rather than the CEO who will leave w/a golden/gilded parachute after laying off thousands of the working poor.

11. Police officers can still shoot down innocent people, be sent away on a paid vacation and return to the same beat. Wonder how they sleep at night?

12. People will pay $20k to fly circles in space but won't send $2k to help stop the spread of disease and genocide in Africa.

13. More state run universities are becoming exclusive to prevent average students from attending. Hey, this sounds a bit like the first in the list. No, those kids won't go to college because they can't read. What was I thinking?

I Really Hate Traveling with You People!

I've got to determine how to get rich enough to afford my own private jet or find a company that won't send me traveling during the busiest week in the world! While I was out I was:

>Spit on by babies sitting next to me in airplanes. Lady, your baby is cute, no doubt. But I'm on my way to a meeting and having to clean off Vanilla Wafers is not my idea of looking professional. Put a muzzle on that little darling or let someone else hold her.

>Slept on by other passengers. How is it possible you don't feel your big, oily head hitting my well-pressed silk sleeve? Yeah I did jerk my arm away causing you to wake and scowl at me. Be glad you didn't say anything smart moron because I was going to go off!

>Had to wait behind you dumb sheep in line for thirty minutes to pass Checkout and you weren't ready when you got to the counter. How stupid are you that you wait in line 30 minutes knowing you need your boarding pass and ID but you still get up to the counter looking for that stuff? AAaarrghhh!!

>Forced to feel embarrassed because you with the portable DVD player didn't respect the man of God enough to shut down your soft porn movie. Do you really think it's respectful to play your porn show seated next to that preacher and his wife? What if the plane were crashing? Who you gonna call, Jenna Jameson or God? And do you REALLY think He'll answer you when you won't turn off porn? Somebody help me!

>Almost yelling at the flight attendant. Sorry hon but why would you seat me in row 10G but want me to put my carry on at the tail of the plane? You're right, you will wiggle back down there and get if for me when the flight's over, sweetie.

>Crammed into a little rental car because my company feels it's okay to send me to a new city driving a Ford Focus. Why in the he-- would I want to drive a carnival ride a whole week? Why don't you make our illustrious CEO and his minions drive these little death traps for a week and see how well they like it?

>In a foul mood most of the trip because I could have gone to eat w/my family (big thrills, that) or flown to Vegas to be w/a friend and her family. No, I get to sit in some stinky lounge and watch football while eating tepid clam chowder soup and frozen turkey breast dinner.

To be fair, my company wasn't going to send me out of town but the rep who usually handles the account was hospitalized and I had to replace him at the last minute.

I just hate traveling with the public because everyone's complaining, trying to get ahead of the pack, ill-tempered, impolite, dirty (have you seen public restrooms???), impatient and just downright stupid. That's all right though 'cause until I don't have to travel publicly anymore, I'm gonna be just what I need to be to get you off of me!

The Machines Are Coming

Okay, this is for all of us who have tried to order medicine from the largest prescription-by-mail company that your company insurance has forced you to use.

I don't like having to order my prescription medication from this company, or any company for that matter. I like the convenience of going to my local Walgreen's and dropping my Rx off and picking it up when I'm able. This also gives me another excuse for shopping some of the cheap, stuff-I've-never-seen-before items that can only be found at places like Walgreen's. So when my company forced its employees to use this new company to order and WAIT for our Rx's, I wasn't too happy.

So here I am, mid-month and knowing I'm going out of town for vacation, calling Rx Headquarters to have my Rx delivered before I leave and I run smack into voice request hell. Not only does this company force me to order my meds and wait for it to be delivered, now I've got to try and outsmart its automated system. Here's what happened today when trying to renew my Rx. I am feeling better, thanks.

VR: "Thank you for calling Rx Mafia. I am an automated system and can help you with your request today. If at any time I'm unable I'll be glad to connect you with a representative. To get started, please tell me why you're calling."

ME: (confidently) "Check on Rx order status."

VR: "Okay, I can help you with that. Please speak your Rx number located on the side of your Rx bottle, highlighted in yellow."

ME: (still confident), "Operator."

VR: "I'm sorry. Please enter your Rx located on the side of your Rx bottle..."

ME: (rolling eyes heavenward), "Operator."

VR: "I'm still having trouble understanding you. And before you think you can just bypass me, you're very wrong. Enter you Rx number located...."

ME: (forcefully), "Operator! Operator! Operator"

VR: (challengingly), "I see. You're asking for a representative, is that correct?"

ME: (exasperated), "YES! I need an operator!"

VR: "Okay, I can connect you to an operator after I have a few more minutes making your poor little unimportant life even more miserable. Please tell me your member number located on the front of your card."

ME: (rapid pulse, quickening heartbeat), "012345678. Stupid machine!"

VR: (smugly, I swear), "Thanks. Before I can connect you I do need to know why you're calling. And this time sweetie? Take the 'tude down a few notches."

ME: (sweating, tightness in chest, pain in left arm, gasping), "Operator! What does it take?"

VR: (raised eyebrows, nonchalantly), "Okay, I'll connect you to an operator. Please hold a few minutes. Your call will be handled in the order in which it was received. But because you have such a nasty attitude, I'm gonna make sure you're at the back of the line!"

ME: (blurred vision, sweating profusely), "Oh God! Someone help me please!"

Please Respect Your Usher

I recently attended the funeral service of my best friend's pastor. The pastor was well known and, more importantly, well loved so we both knew the church would be packed with mourners and well-wishers and the curious.

My friend and I went early to get seats and just as anticipated, the church was quickly filling up. There were several ushers making sure everyone knew their places and not getting more programs than needed.

Sounds all normal and respectful right? Ha! If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time you know I'm about to complain about the treatment customer servicers receive. Even church ushers.

Now, I've never paid too much attention to the plight of ushers. Not because they're not important, I just never thought about them other than passing the offering plates and telling me where to sit or delivering notes to others in the church. At the funeral though, I really saw the hell some of you pissers put them through.

Me and my girl are sitting there and the ushers are going through HELL in the House of the Lord. People were just sitting anywhere they wanted, moving seats around, ignoring the ushers' pleas to take only ONE program and worse of all-taking pictures of the pastor's body.

Why is it so difficult to follow instructions? Why can't you go to a funeral or any event and actually do what you're told? These poor people (the ushers, not you mothball) had to actually ask the elders of the church to ask some people to move so the family would have room to sit as they buried their husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, pastor and friend. Some of these stooges actually became indignant and tried to make a scene but they were finally moved. I personally think they should have allowed all of the other attendees to give one pimp slap to each of those morons for doing this.

Moral of the story: if the usher gives you direction, grow up and follow it. Don't come to church full of hell!

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Ways To Make Us Smile

1. You use the Internet to handle simple transactions.

2. You use the Internet to handle complex transactions.

3. You cancel your account rather than threatening to cancel your account.

4. You admit you're unable to count higher than 100.

5. You shut your mouth long enough to let us tell you how to reconcile your account.

6. You actually pay a delinquency fee without crying and whining about it.

7. You understand that the president of the company is does not want to talk to you.

8. You acknowledge that spending an average of $1000 a month of the account does not entitle you to VIP privileges.

9. You know that we know that you need us more than we need you.

10.You understand that the financial world will not be crippled because you stopped using your card.

11. You can figure out your due date, balance due AND new charges all by yourself.

12. You are not calling in on your spouse's or child's card demanding information you know we can't give you.

13. The biggest thing that makes us smile: you understand that we love it when you scream, "Get your supervisor!" Let him deal with schmucks like you!

Do You REALLY Want My Answer?

The other day I was waiting in line to pay for something (see why I don't have any money? I'm always out shopping) and the lady in front of me was being declined by her credit card company. She asked the clerk to run the card through again and it came up declined so the clerk (patient lass that she was) called the card company to see what was the problem. I saw the clerk give the phone to the lady who (of course) was talking loud and threatening the person on the other end to do all this and that while this lady's friend is telling the clerk and everyone behind her that her friend had immaculate credit and this was all a mistake. Lady we don't care anything about you or your friend except she's freakin making us all wait!

Finally I hear the lady (let's call her Screech) scream out, "Well go ahead and cancel this card. I'll never use your company again!" Then she stops and screeches out, "Let me talk to your supervisor!" I shift my items to my other hand and start enjoying the show because I've been there soooooo many times. Now I get to see the other side. While the Screech is waiting, another clerk comes up and begins helping the other customers on her register but I keep my place in line 'cause I'm really having fun. Screech turns and looks at me and I give her the biggest "You're a loser, give it up" look so she rolls her eyes and turns away.

When the supervisor gets on the line Screech immediately begins with the stuff you idiots do, threats, sue, the usual. Suddenly she says, "No don't cancel the card now. I'm gonna call from home and cancel it then. I'm also going to call the president of your company and tell him about the poor treatment you've given me!" Somewhere I know the supervisor's releasing the call and going on with the important items on her plate, this customer on the fast track of being forgotten.

Here's my question: why do you people ask call center employees whether you should cancel your accounts? Do you really, really, really think we give one eyelash whether you close your account? Let me help all you people who don't live in reality---unless your last name is Gates, Clinton, Letterman, Leno, Winfrey, Ballmer, Jung, Stewart (Jon and Martha), Walton, Ellison or Buffett we don't care!

When I was on the phones you losers would ask me, "Should I cut up this card right now or are you going to credit my account that delinquency fee?" "Do you want to explain to your supervisor that I canceled my account because YOU wouldn't help me?" Ninety-nine times out of 100 I answered "Yes, you should cut up the card because the fee remains." or "I will explain to my supervisor that I denied your request to credit your delinquency fee because your wife lost the mail."

To the best of my knowledge I have NEVER begged someone to keep their account open. Why should I? If you cancel we don't have to worry about you calling again next month, stupid! If you cancel we don't have to hear you gripe and complain about poor treatment because you don't pay your account on time. Please! Cancel the da**n account and go bother some other company!

I remember one funny call where we lowered this schmuck's line of credit and he called and threatened to cancel the account if we didn't raise his limit back to the original amount. C'mon, do you think we care that you cancel your account AFTER we've pretty much shut you down? Think about it...we've now told you we think you're a bad risk. We've officially said, "Screw you!" Go ahead and cancel doorknob!

-The moral of this story? Unless you're running more than $10k a month on your account, asking our opinions of your cancelling the account will be a resounding "Hell yes!" You heard it here first.

What Financial Lessons Are You Teaching Your Children?

Some of my friends and I were sitting around talking about work, life, death and other journeys and one of the girlfriends shared that she was sick and tired of bailing her 29 year old daughter out of situations that could easily have been prevented. Seems like Baby Girl is charging her life away and is already in debt to the tune of $17k.

She asked our opinions on how to handle Baby Girl and we all agreed BG's old enough to 'do the time for committing the crime'. This means BG has to sink or swim on her own because if girlfriend fell dead tomorrow (God forbid), BG would find a way to get by without relying on her mother's help.

This conversation brought to mind some of the episodes we would get in the call centers-parents wanting to pay or take over their child's account. Some of these calls could be handled with ease because Buffy and Jody had opened the accounts on their own which made it impossible for us to discuss the accounts with mom and dad. Then there were the calls from you parents who demanded we discuss the accounts with us or you would escalate to a supervisor.

There was once a time I handled a call like this. The lady called wanting me to give her info on her daughter's account. I told her as politely as you can be when talking to a piece of brick that I would not give her the requested information unless her daughter was on the phone with us.

See, daughter had run up a balance on the account and had allowed it to go into collections and subsequently sold to a collection agency. Normal stuff-don't pay, go to collections and deal with them. Now Buffy's credit is being 'hit' by the outstanding account and mommy wants to pay the account off using her personal credit account IF (pay attention, here's the thick of the plot) we erase the negative history on Buffy's CBR. Three issues with this request, and why she screamed "Get your supervisor!" after I was unmoved by her threats and refused to do anything she wanted.

First, we couldn't transfer the balance because it's no longer our account so mommy and Buffy have to deal with the collection agency. Banks don't care about the account being paid because they've taken their losses when it was sold. Anytime you let an account be sold to a collection agency, you have no more bargaining power with the bank. They DON'T care about setting up payment plans, your going on Jay Leno to apologize, opening a full page ad in the Wall St. Journal begging and pleading, nothing. Call the agency and plead with them.

Second, nothing will make banks remove notes from a person's credit report unless it was their error or it's an act of Congress. You're sweating them, pleading, whining neither cancellation of the account will work. Buffy was warned this would happen. She should have told mommy to help out a lot earlier.

Third, this is the reason your kids shouldn't do crack! What are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them that they have to be financially responsible and take care of their credit because poor credit will effect future employment? Car insurance? Medical assistance? Finding a mate (read if you can only afford Denny's, you'll never meet the Ruth's Chris' crowd)? Higher education? Renting or buying a home? Finding a good, reliable automobile?

Teach your children that if they can't afford it now, put it in layaway or save until you're able to afford it. Credit is now as precious as virginity only unlike virginity, credit can become new after 10 long years.

And parents, when you call in trying to help your kids, have the kid on the phone with you and make sure you tell Buffy and Jody that this will be the absolute last time you go in your pockets to save them. Teach them parents, teach them!