Simple Mathematics Made Even Simpler for Simpletons

Josefina, this is for you.
*
Normally when I see articles about demographics I get excited. Real excited. Very excited. I mean I get more excited than Cheney's on-call medical team after watching Cheney finish off a meal of pork neckbones, chitlins and cornbread. (For those of you who don't know, this is a meal with more than 3000 calories, 2700 of them from fat.)

So I'm reading this article that says today's high schoolers are failing in math, so much so that the government wants to simplify or remove more difficult math from the curriculum. To all of you parents who want to someday retire and live off of your kids, this is a great cause for concern because if you don't make sure Cissy and Bubba can add, their chances of competing in a global market will be as slim as Nicole Richie's arms (what's w/me dropping all the famous names?).

Anyway, this was a great article but it missed one important element--today's business people are no good at math either. How do I know this? By the many call center experiences I endured where you people have demonstrated your inability to add, subtract, multiply and divide. So I'm here to help. Another free, short lesson to help you going forward. For this lesson, you'll need something to write with and paper. Oh never mind, you never have this when you call us do you?

Here we go:

Addition

First, know how to add your charges together. Make sure you've correctly used a counting instrument whether it be a calculator, your eighteen fingers and toes, an abacus or pieces of the crack you smoke. After you've added your charges, make sure the total you have matches the total on your credit card bill. If it does, congratulations! Simply pay the account and you're done 'til the next month's statement.

Subtraction

This is VERY important, especially if you still can't figure your balance (see previous post on finding your balance). It is important that you SUBTRACT your payment and any credits from the OLDEST money on the account. This means all payments and credits are subtracted from the previous balance. We will never subtract money from the NEW balance until the OLD balance has been paid. Please don't call us and say we've not applied your payments and credits and you think we're cheating you. We're already robbing you (see previous post) what cause would we have to cheat you too?

Divide & Multiply

Divide all the times you've paid late or gone over your limit, then multiply it by the amount of late fees and finance charges you're gonna pay in a year. This amount should quickly send you in search of scissors to cut up that card. If that still doesn't worry you, then make sure you call your credit card company to find out what your new finance rate is. Because believe me, paying late will make your interest rate go higher than a split in Toni Braxton's skirt (what is it with me and celebrities tonight?) That's right genuises, late payments equal more money out of your pockets.

Nothing is more exhausting than having to explain to you morons how to add, subtract, multiply and divide. As a matter of fact call center workers have our own mathematical formula: We ADD all the idiots who can't compute a simple mathematical problem, then SUBTRACT from our lives the amount of time we wasted trying to explain to you. We then MULTIPLY our frustration by your displays of lunacy and DIVIDE to figure out how many times we'll use you as an example of why some people shouldn't have credit cards and we'll arrive at our answer--you people really are incredibly stupid!

-

So the moral of the story? Two things: make sure Cissy and Bubba are passing their math classes, and please try to figure out your bill before calling and screaming we're cheating you.

I Think, Therefore You're An Idiot!

During my long life as a call center employee answering your questions and everyday realizing I'm SO much more intelligent than most of you, I realized how similar your whines and complaints were.

-

Sometimes, I knew what you were needing one minute after hearing your sniffling, nasally hour long introduction/complaint. Like I said, most of you were just plain stupid, others of you knew your stuff. Unfortunately your calls were far and few between. Thus, my little phone rep life subsisted on my having to artfully put you in your place, or send get my supervisor.

-

Most of the time when I'd escalate to my leader it was because I had told you that you wouldn't get everything you wanted and you had to complain about my 'rudeness', 'nastiness' and 'unwillingess to help.' Granted sometimes I was rude, nasty and unwilling to kiss your a--, that doesn't mean you had to escalate, especially when my leader would back me up.

-

Anywho, I can remember one call I had to give to my leader because the person accused me of not being able to problem-solve. Problem solve? Let's review some of the reasons you called and you can decide why you think I'm unable to problem-solve and why I KNOW you're an idiot:

1) Who's unable to reconcile his account, you or me? I've completely and competently explained that you haven't paid your bill on time and have left a remaining balance that's continuing to age. Is it my fault you're completely unable to understand that you have to PAY to prevent the account from aging!? It's simple addition and subtraction--if you charge, you have to pay to erase the balance. How much problem-solving is needed to understand that?

2) Who orders merchandise online then refuses to pay because we don't have a signature? Anyone over six years old understands that a signature is not required to make online purchases. One of you schmucks actually called and refused to pay a Priceline.com charge because you never signed a receipt! Get real!! You know you ordered that cheap ticket that would send you to five different hubs before landing you in the middle of Pittsburgh. Liar!

3) Who still can't understand the payment due date? You're told the due date on the recording when you call, the rep gives you the due date and it's printed on your statement. Why then do you still say you can't understand the balance's due date? Is that too difficult to solve?

4) Is it too difficult to understand that there are some cases where a credit card company will not be able to get your money back, especially if you ran up purchases at the nudie bar? I would love to have gotten this call from the guy who charged up $241k on his card at a nudie bar then claimed fraud. I bet the rep who got that call was a problem-solver. Too bad the CEO didn't solve for when his expense account would be broadcasted around the country.

5) Are phone reps to blame that you're not 'net savvy? Nowadays you can find account information on the web but still there are those of you who can't figure out (solve) how to enroll on the website, choose a userid and password and view all your charges. You can even PRINT statements now to file expense reports. Most card companies have very user-friendly websites but many of you don't appeciate it. So you call customer service and take up fifteen minutes of our lives reading your charges, then you complain if the rep has an accent or couldn't "problem-solve". If call centers could get just half of you complainers and whiners to see the Internet for the problem solver it is, the people who really need our assistance won't have to hold while we solve your problems. But hey, what price job security?

-

Problem-solve for this......losers.

Call the Police, You're Being Robbed!

I really think you people who continue to use credit cards and live beyond your means have this thing all wrong. You run up all this credit to keep up with the latest technological toy or 'it' car, 'it' bag, 'it' girlfriend/boyfriend. You run over to the newest Ikea store just so you can toot your horn on Monday morning about your purchaes while leaning against the watercooler, telling everyone within earshot how cool and hip you are. What are you simpletons gonna do when the economy turns bad and you have to eat on that cheap Ikea furniture because you had to return the dining unit that you bought on credit from Ikea?

I've been in credit hell before and it took me four l--o--n--g years to get out of it. And once I got out, I STAYED out! That's why I would be so amazed when I'd talk to customers who were upset we cut off their cards or reduced their spending limits. You should have been thanking us, sending us flowers or displaying some other form of gratitude. Instead you'd call, get me and I'd have the happy job of telling you to drop dead or pay the account balance down.

It never failed, especially on the weekends that I'd have to listen to you moan, wheedle, lie and beg to be able to take your buds out on the town and throw back a few. Sometimes you would have to call in front of your friends and try to play the big man/woman in front of them, but you and I knew what your CBR scores showed and the real reason we stopped you.

Now comes the threats to cancel the accounts, sue, etc. You've got this all wrong buddy. Do you think we would turn off the account if we weren't concerned you could pay us? Do you think we cared that you would leave? You think too much of yourself. Here's some advice for you that I hope you'll take to heart. And hey, at least it's free.

Do you realize that you're just a number to these financial companies? No? Well, let me enlighten you. You are only as valuable as the money banks earn on your account. It doesn't matter how long you've been with them, how many additional cards you have or if you're a legend (in your own mind). If you're not making them any money, they don't need you. Wanna know who's making them money? Thought you would.

You are being robbed by banks if you fall into the following categories: You continually keep a balance on your account, who are charged the highest finance bracket (up to 30%) at some of the banks and you who always pay after the grace period so that you pay finance charges.

If you're the smart scamp that pays your balances in full before the grace period, banks don't need you. They like you but you're not doing them any favours so if you leave it will smart, but it won't sting and it certainly won't make them cry. In fact, they may entice you to leave by selling your name to other banks to solicit you away or by tagging your account so that when you call you're put in an automated system that makes it impossible to reach a human and you have to complete transactions on the website.

So let's get back to you that think banks actually need you-you're right --to a point. If your CBR is less than 600 they need you to pay those atrocious interest rates. They need you to fund their rewards programs. They need you to pay for all those special benefits they give to the accounts who charge more than $100k per year.

So here's where I know you've got this thing twisted. Although the banks need you to do the above, you need them more than they need you. Think about this--where else in this world can people demand to borrow money and be charged crazy interest rates? It's unfathomable when you see account after account paying $500 and upwards a month for finance charges! And don't pay late or you're really gonna get it!

Do you know that if you pay your other cards late and it's found out they'll raise their interest rate on your card? That's right geniuses, you pay your Montgomery Ward's late, it hits your CBR and then your other cards surprise you with a higher rate. And you know what you'll do? Nothing! You'll call and demand a higher credit limit because you've been with them so long, or because you run a lot of money through your account and because you don't realize how much money you're paying to use that card. Amazing!

-

The moral of the story? Get out of credit hell and pay as you go. Don't try to keep up with the Joneses and Morales'. It's not worth lying awake at night worrying because you can't pay your bills. And remember, if the banks stop your card, send a thank you card and stop using that card. After all, you got it right.

Shut Your Pie Hole, Idiot!

Okay, this is new. I'm actually defending someone who hasn't contacted me at my email address to tell me their story. Folks, you have to grow some manners. We've become rude, nasty and greedy idiots and it's ruining our society. Hear's my latest tale of concern:
-

I'm at Walmart looking for fly spray, light bulbs and yogurt. I personally don't like Walmart because of how they treat their employees, but let's get back to the story. Anyway, I'm in and out of there quickly because I only need a few things right? Yeah, sure. I swear this is the truth-there was only ONE cashier open! I guess management was trying to drive us all to the self-checkout and not employ enough cashiers to help us. Another reason I hate Walmart.

So, I'm in the checkout line and the couple in front of me is having trouble with the scanner recognizing the codes, which makes the one poor cashier assigned to self-checkout have to come over after every swipe, even though she has to take care of six other registers.

I pick up a gossip rag and start leafing through it because there's nothing I can do, right? Anyway Teddy and Teresa Trailerpark have reached their patience limit and have begun verbally attacking the cashier, spewing every f-word, s-word and whatever four letter word combination trailer park dwellers usually use with ease.

Now I'm pissed and tired because it's not the cashier's fault her stupid, cheap company has caused her to be harrassed by these idiots. Mr. & Mrs. Trailerpark are still going at it, just being retarded, single-toothed, inbred maniacs. Because I can't take anymore of this I politely ask, "Why don't you just let her show what's going wrong or let her scan your stuff, 'cause I'm in a hurry."

Boy oh boy the reaction on both of their faces. Together they gaped their mouths open looking just like two big-mouthed trout my mom catches. Just as Teddy's about to say something to me, I stand up straight and move closer, just in case I have to get in a good punch to his red, sneering face. Mrs. Trailerpark knows her husband's about to be involved in a VERY ugly argument and grabs him by the arm and twists him around, denying me the pleasure of telling him how stupid I think he is, how ugly his mother is and the name of a good dentist he should visit before age 30.

Finally, after all this is done, guess what? The food stamp card they were using to pay for their stuff is declined! Now they're blaming Walmart's system for declining the card because Theresa "knows for a fact that she has about an $80 dollar balance 'cause Skeeter only used $30 yesterday." I swear, she said Skeeter! So I've been in this line about 20 minutes having to endure society at its worst and their raggedy card is declined and they're still upset? Oh hell no! Life's too short for fly spray, light bulbs and yogurt from Walmart, no matter how low low the prices are. I leave everything in my cart right there in the line and go to Safeway where I can buy everything I need w/o having to endure such hardship.

-

The moral of this story? Anyone with common sense knows a business doesn't care about their service when they don't open enough checkout lines or you're on hold longer than three minutes. Don't put up w/poor service, but then don't take it out on the staff. They have to pay rent, mortgage and insurance just like you. When all else fails, ask for a supervisor but remember, make sure you're card works.

Know Your Place, Ingrate!

If there's ever been a question in my mind that those of you who are credit-hungry but not credit worthy are pitifully stupid (yeah, I made that up), it's having to talk to you when your cards have been denied.

I think back to my days on the phone when I'd have to field your calls when the charges have been cancelled either because you didn't pay the bill or because we deemed it necessary. My favourite calls were when Joe Dummy would call in, foaming and frothing at the mouth, screaming and cursing, threatening and bullying because we cut off his card. It would give me immeasurable pleasure to tell Dummy that we cut off his card because he hadn't paid the bill. Here's a taste of what that conversation sounded like:

"Mr. Dummy (you idiot), our records indicate we haven't received a full payment in sixty days. Because of this, we've suspended charges on the account until the account is current. So unfortunately, (gladly) you'll have to use another card (you're outta luck, schmuck) until this account is paid." Dummy would be panting and promising to sue us (you can afford a lawyer but can't pay a $468 balance?), threatening to cut up his card (in another month, we're cancelling you, anyway, Bozo) and tell all his friends not to use our card (you're gonna tell all TWO of them that your pay history was so bad we cancelled your sorry tail?). Finally, because he couldn't get a rise out of me or because he knew (wisely) I didn't care if he fell into an open hole filled with grenades he'd ask, no DEMAND my supervisor.

Sometimes, depending on the account status my supe would take the call, most of the time though I'd have to transfer to our credit department. If you've ever had to speak to Credit, you know your account life means sooooo little to them. Credit analysts don't have to be nice or polite like regular phone reps. Their job is to get slow or no paying slugs like some of you to pay your accounts. They don't care that "you've been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease" or that "you're waiting for your company to reimburse you" or that "the check's in the mail" or that "you're in a business slump and can't pay anything but because you've been with us so long you think we should extend further credit to you". All Credit wants is their money and they'll get it out of you or send you to Collections Purgatory where the analysts are even more cutthroat.

Speaking of Collections, do you know how they make their money? By the amount of money they can get you to promise to pay. These people literally have the power of life and death in their hands because just by hitting a button they can sell your account to private collection agencies who will mark up your credit report like the tattoos found on Jesse James! Make 'em mad by lying to them or being rude, and you'll be trying to clean up their bootmarks off your sorry butt for seven to ten years.

So, the moral of this story? If you're ever past due on an account because you haven't paid the bill, do your ego a favour and not escalate to a supervisor or you're gonna get sent to Credit who'll rip you a new one:-) Don't say I didn't warn you.

Beggars Can't Be Choosy

I have a girlfriend named Arnie who works in the call center of a large pharmaceutical company. She wants to share her plight about dealing with applicants for FREE medication and the ignorant pharmacists who try to make her job miserable.

Arnie's tale of woe begins each morning that she logs onto the company phone and begins taking calls from people who are seeking enrollment for free medication from the top pharmaceutical companies. Arnie says everyday she has to listen to people gripe and complain about getting free stuff! First of all, what makes you people so uppity that you think you're entitled to anything free in this life? Second, when asking for free stuff, especially stuff you need dummies, why insist on being rude to the very person(s) who can help you get the free stuff? It's enough you're stupid, you don't have to be rude too do you? To help my friend and all the reps who work with her, I'm including some guidelines you should follow that may actually help you get something free.

1. Be Nice and Courteous. 'Nuff said. I don't believe many of you who are calling are independently wealthy enough to not need free medication. Why then do you speak down to the phone reps when completing applications? You've heard the old adage, "You can catch more flies w/honey" right? Be nice.

*

2. Have your information ready when you call. Most of you will have to go through the automated system which gives you enough time to have your social security number, dr's office number, blood type and anything else you'll need. Don't wait to get the rep on the line then have to keep them on hold while you find your purse, look for a pen, call up the dr's office etc. Get all that before you call.

*

3. Cursing, screaming, threatening is strictly prohibited. The reps may not be able to hang up on your sorry butt but they sure can deny your request and NOT suggest any other program you may be eligible for. It won't kill you to be professional when you call.

*

4. Finally, if the rep does a good job, take a few moments and tell his/her supervisor about the experience. Phone reps have a hard job and when you call and complain about poor service you should also be humble enough to recognize and praise great service.

Now, for you pharmacists who have spent so much time in school earning that degree that you've forgotten that you're human too, and not Superman/woman. If you knew how to run the applications through your network the companies wouldn't need to hire phone reps to help you and the customers. You don't know everything so when you call, acknowledge that you need help is the first step toward recovery and making the call a short and pleasant one.

There you have it. Arnie and all of her pals, keep up the good fight!

Please Don't Fund Your Affair With Your Credit Card

I saw the news the other day that in the U.S. there are less married people than non-married. The article also spoke about the divorce rate that keeps rising. While reading the article my mind went back to the time a very upset lady called into the call center after discovering charges on her husband's acct.

The lady, let's call her Wivey called trying to reconcile her husband's account and noticed several charges to Ann Taylor and other upscale women's clothing stores. She called in to the call center and started asking -innocently enough- about other month's charges. Silly me, not knowing I was helping to prepare an early withdrawal from her adulterous marriage, started running through charge after charge. I happily told her about the $600 total from Ann Taylor, $400 from a local hotel, the numerous restaurant expenses, jewelry store charges, even shoe stores. And you know what? I never caught on that something was wrong until she asked me to list the airline charges. Airline charges? There were no airline charges.

Coolly Wivey informed me that her husband had been out of town during most of the dates of the charges so she assumed he had flown out of town for business meetings, especially she had helped him pack and had dropped him off at the airport. Seems Mr. Wivey was kissing hsi wife goodbye on one side of the airport then walking to the other side and climbed into a car with his little slut/concubine/whore.

Now by this time I started thinking I'd better start watching what additional information I was giving wivey because she was too cool. But it was too late, boyfriend had been had! I told wivey I couldn't find anymore charges and that the system was down so she'd have to callback. Wivey was too smart for that. She could hear a backpedal from two thousand miles and over the phone. "Then let me talk with your supervisor. Maybe she'll have more information for me." Now, I knew Supe was going to slam me against the wall after hearing what I'd done but what could I do? So I transferred the call to Supe who politely told wivey that I had given priviledged information on her husband's account and because she wasn't on the account she wouldn't get any more information.

Wivey wasn't taking this though. She informed Supe she (Wivey) had been using the card on and off for five years, the duration of their rapidly sinking marriage and over that time she had called before and gotten information on the account. Supe, knowing what was up, repeated again that she wouldn't release any additional information to her and to ask Mr. Wivey to call. After she hung up, Supe politely told me to shut my trap about account information if I'm not speaking to someone on the account. She didn't have to worry, I never did.

So, the moral of the story: if you're cheating on your spouse or partner, please don't use your credit card to pay for the affair. Don't you realize how easy it is to subpoena credit card records, dummy? Better yet, DON'T CHEAT!

Have Your Hugged Your Nurse Today?

Okay, so my niece Wilhela (pronounced Willa) wants to know why I think only phone reps, flight attendants and waiters get the short end of the stick with hating to deal w/stupid people. What about nurses? Don't they need love too? So, in honour of Wilhela, here are things you shouldn't do to your healthcare providers.

My niece is a home health nurse. She's the nurse that comes into your homes to bathe, feed, perform physical therapy and anything else your doctor has ordered for your rehabilitation. She's met some very interesting people in her young, short life doing this and for the most part she says it's an okay field because she truly loves helping people, especially the aged. Note to Wilhela: see my earlier post about suckas who run through the aged's money. Wilhela sees first-hand how we close our sick and elderly away and pay others to care for them. She knows that routinely she's the only human contact her clients will have for days so she spends extra time w/them, asking about their youth, their children, past hobbies etc.

Like I said earlier, Wilhela, for the most part, loves her clients and her job. There are clients however, who think Wilhela's the housekeeper, banker, cook and gardener. I remember Wilhela telling me about a client who wanted her to water his lawn, run to the store for his snacks, pick up prescriptions, and deposit checks. All this after bathing and feeding him! When Wilhela finally put her size 10 foot down and told him her name is not Hazel (if you remember the show "Hazel" you know how old I am) or Florida (remember "Maude"?) and that if he needs all that work done, he should hire someone else. As soon as she left his home this guy gets on the phone to Wilhela's boss claiming she bad-mouthed him, stole money and wasn't taking care of him the way she should.

Well, this made Wilhela hot enough to boil water in the palm of her hand! She immediately found another nurse to replace her and dropped this guy. That showed him! By the 2nd week of no Wilhela, he was calling demanding, pleading and crying to have Wilhela back. Well, softie that she is Wilhela returned but made sure he understood she was not having all that housekeeping, personal assitant crap. I think they lived happily ever after.

Another episode Wilhela shared was the young paralyzed client who just loved having her bathe him. Wilhela said this guy would deliberately crap on himself so that she would have to wash him. Now, this guy was 24 and Wilhela was 19 and pretty cute. She looked a lot like me (not). Anyway, the guy's mother couldn't understand why her son would always have troubles holding his bowels whenever Wilhela was coming. During the week he was able to do just what he wanted but the morning of Wilhela's visits--crapping all over the place.

What Wilhela knew but felt too embarrassed to tell his mother was that guy would get extremely turned on when being washed down there. Sicko! Anyway, Wilhela told guy to stop crapping 'cause she didn't like cleaning his stanking tail crap and she didn't appreciate having to look at his arousal and hear him moaning while she was cleaning him. So she gave him an ultimatum: either stop crapping and getting off at her expense or she's telling mommy EVERYTHING! Wow, this changed that behaviour quickly.

So the moral of this story is "Don't be idiots!" Your nurses are not personal assistants. They're there to help make your physical life a bit better. This is from me: be nice and give them gifts sometimes. Can't get out and about? The gift of dollar bills will suffice anytime. Especially young nursing students like Wilhela.

No She Didn't!

Seems Madonna's jumped on the I-Need-Another-Accessory bandwagon and found an African child to adopt. So not only does she want to screw up the lives of her natural born children, she wants to be an equal opportunity child screw upper! Fantastic. Good looking out Ma. Let me ask you something, if you need a Black child so badly, why go all the way to Africa? How many African-American babies did you trip over on your way to Africa?

You people make me sick!

Are You Interested in Hearing Today's Specials?

Okay Maria, I've heard you.

Folks, my friend Maria wants me to add HER personal stories of woe about working for the public. Maria is a waitress and says she knows first-hand that you people are rude, vicious, lying, cheats! Okay, maybe she's still a bit stressed after last night's shift. Here are Maria's complaints about waitressing.

Everyone goes to a restaurant and expects good food, good service and a good experience. Some of you people go to restaurants to make the wait staff's lives miserable, get as much free food as possible and leave the restaurant thinking you're all that. Maria says not only are waiters better able to exact their revenge immediately, unlike phone reps they can get away w/it! Take the free advice:

Are you the kind of person who will send food back two or three times and never be satisfied? Let me tell you what happens in the kitchen. Somehow your food invariably always falls to the floor or may be stepped on. Sometimes human phlegm or soap may inadvertently be placed on your plate, especially soup. If you're out and you think the food as it's prepared is not right, you'd better think twice before calling over the waiter and bellowing out your displeasure. Trust me on this, snot-boy.

Okay, maybe you're the person who always finds something wrong w/the utensils or glasses. You always need replacements when you sit down. Hummm, bad idea. Maria has known times when that fork you sent to be replaced is actually swiped inside a human mouth, then dried and returned to your hands. Word of advice, unless that utensil still has dried stuck on egg, dampen an edge of your napkin and wipe it off yourself.

Are you the table that needs something every two minutes, not giving the poor waiter time to serve his/her other tables? Stop that! Use what you have until the waiter's in your area again, or just simply ask the other table to share their salt, sugar, Tabisco etc. You people that think that waiter was hired just to wait on you and your greedy family are out of touch, selfish and rude.

If you're like most people, we return to the same places to eat. If you know the wait staff is short, don't become boorish and overbearing. We all know that Chinese restaurants don't hire enough waiters to serve a full restaurant. As a matter of fact, two of the best Chinese restaurants in my town usually have two to three waitresses so we know we're going to have to wait for our dinner. So, because we know this, we don't trip when the service is slow. We get up and get our own tea, chili, take-out boxes and stuff. We'd rather do this than go w/o eating delicious foods.

Now this part is all about me: please don't blow your nasty nose at the table. I don't want to hear that while I'm eating. I also don't want to hear you belch, fart or talk on your cell phone. I don't want to hear you bad-mouthing the wait staff, I don't want to know you can find better food at other restaurants, I especially don't want to hear your religious beliefs. While I'm eating I expect you to leave me and my party alone, unless we're too loud.

So Maria, I hope this suffices. The moral of this story? Eat your food or take it home to Fido, don't complain about the service UNTIL you've completed your dinner and by all means, stay at home if seeing happy people gets on your nerves!

Thank You For NOT Flying Our Airlines

Some of my friends and I were sitting around enjoying together time and I mentioned I had started this blog in support of customer service personnel world-wide and my frind 'Vette wanted me to make sure I included flight attendants and the hell stupid people put them through. Vette says those same dummies who call into call centers are the same dummies who take flights and become lesions on the backsides of flight attendants.

He went on to share some of the episodes from dummies he and his peers have endured over the years. Let me give you some background on Vette. He's been a flight attendant about seven years. He's normally a great Christian husband but says having to deal w/John and Jane Dumbutt day in and day out would make even Job give up and find a new job.

Vette told us about having to deal w/hollering babies, fighting spouses, freaks trying to have sex in the bathrooms or seats, fat people who refuse to pay for two seats, rude pilots and drunk passengers.

Vette says he can deal w/the hollering babies better than the parents who ignore their children kicking the seats or refusing to remain seated while he's trying to serve meals.

Vette has a question: why do you morons have to run to the plane toilet as soon as takeoff is done? You've been sitting around, waiting to board longer than 2 hours, why don't you be smart and go to the restroom BEFORE boarding? Does your bladder suddenly shrink the moment you are flying higher than 30,000 feet?

And why oh why can't you hear your bad kids hollering at the top of their lungs? Didn't you bring something to occupy them, like children's sleep medicine or Xanax? Not only are you deaf, you must also be blind not to see Jr. kicking the chair in front of him. How would you like it if some bad kid was kicking your chair, or screaming bloody murder on a flight from MN to TX? You wouldn't and you know it!

Another question, if your butt is wider than 80 inches round, why do you think you shouldn't buy two seats? We don't want you sitting on us for four hours. You're nice but we don't want to know you that intimately!!

And you that bought the cheap seats then proceed to ask everyone to move around so you can sit w/your friend, husband, boss etc....sit down and shut up! It won't kill you to be by yourself until the next city. Vette has had to deal w/too many people wanting to change the entire cabin around just so they can sit next to their buddy. You and your buddy should have bought your seats together then arrived together so you wouldn't have to have separate seats.

I personally like flying but I sure miss the days when people who flew dressed better than they do now. It used to be you knew who was riding the Greyhound and who was flying, just by the way they were dressed. When I was a girl people wore suits and ties and were presentable. They didn't wear ratty sweats, flip flops and uncombed hair. Vette says he feels sorry for the passengers who have to endure their seatmates' body odour. He can escape it but pity the unlucky stiff smelling your underarms, stinky feet and foul breath.

So, as a homage to Vette, here's the moral of the story: be nice when flying and take a shower BEFORE sitting down next to me!

The Company Hired You as the Accountant?

Phone reps all over the world, by a show of hands how many of you are truly surprised by the ignorance of accountants? Yeah, that's a lot of hands! It never ceases to amaze me the number of accountants that can't clear a simple credit card statement. Over the years on the phone when I knew the caller was an accountant the nerves in my stomach lining would start twitching. Not only did I understand this was going to be a difficult call but I also knew I would be having to deal with someone who would try to play the "I'm better than you" game.

Here's a typical call:

ACCT: "Hi, I'm looking at Mr. Smith's most recent bill and you guys haven't credited the account right."

ME: "How do you mean?"

ACCT: "Well, we sent in a $2500 payment last month but the balance doesn't reflect that."

ME: "Yes, the payment's there. It's showing on the statement you have. See? It says $2500 received, thank you."

ACCT: "Right, I see that but it's not subtracted from the balance. The balance is still showing $3950."

ME: "That's correct. That's Mr. Smith's new balance. The $2500 payment was subtracted from Mr. Smith's previous balance. The $3950 is his new balance."

ACCT: "I don't understand. Why wasn't the balance reduced by $2500?"

ME (sighing, looking toward Heaven): "Well, that's because you have to pay the oldest money on the account before you pay the new balance, right? You'll always pay the prior month's charges and zero out the bill. Understand now?"

ACCT: "Oh okay, I guess I'll have to go over this again and call you back. I still don't think you guys are crediting the account correctly but I'll go through it again and call back."

ME: "Something else you can do is add up all the charges, then subtract all the payments. That will get you the new balance."

ACCT: "Uh, we'll see. I'm the accountant and it just doesn't look right, the way you guys are doing this. 'Bye."

ME: Whatever!

One of my girlfriends shared a story about the accountant who would call each month and scream and holler about the payments being misapplied, lost etc. Of course she only did this when she had an audience (to impress whom? Her boss and co-workers?) One day it's my girl's turn to get "Hilda Hag". Hilda's huffing and puffing and bellowing like a cow stuck in a mud hole about how stupid my girl is etc. Girl proceeds to tell Hilda to quiet down and be professional. Hilda, now probably foaming at the mouth screams the words phone reps love to hear, "Get me your supervisor!" Yes!

My girl finds her supe who listens to Hilda for awhile, and after Hilda shuts her whale mouth to take a break the supe politely asks why the account's never paid on time. Now all this time Hilda's been on the speakerphone, letting everyone in the office hear her rant on the supe. Now that Supe's in her business telling the office Hilda's not paying the account correctly she's off the speakerphone as quickly as Oprah gains weight.

Supe continues to tell Hilda, politely of course, that because the account's not been paid and continues to age, charges will be stopped until the account's current. Whowhee! Hilda's pissed and scared because now she has to tell bossey that she's screwed up the account and it can't be used until it's paid. Wonder what's gonna happen to ole Hilda.

Oh the joy that floods my soul when I hear great stories like that. You loud mouth accountants want to call up and put us on blast that we're not applying payments and credits when you're not sending in the money to cover the balances. The moral of this story? If you're an accountant, learn how to balance a statement and pay the balances in full. Believe me, when your boss's account gets shut down for being past-due, we're not the ones losing our jobs. Ask big mouth Hilda.

You Lying, Cheating Low-Life!

You know, even though I get sick of talking to idiots who can't figure out their bills, the one person I loath above all else is the fraudster of the elderly and incapacitated. I have good news for all of you low-lifes who do this---you're going to hell!

So many times I've had to take calls from grandmothers and others who have discovered their children or caretakers have stolen their identities and fraudulently opened accounts in their names. I guess these slimeballs figure their charges are too old to care or won't be around to dispute any claims against their good names.

At one of the credit companies I worked for, I got a call from this elderly lady, let's call her BigMama, who had found a credit account in her name. It seems her granddaughter (we'll call her Dog) had fraudently opened an account and charged almost $16k on junk for her deadbeat boyfriend. The old lady was so upset when she called me that even I, the jaded phone rep was near tears. She told me was 83 and had gotten sick but her 33-yr old granddaughter had come to live with her and take care of her. Dog handled all the bills and BigMama only happened upon the bill because a neighbor had brought in the mail.

I had to explain to BigMama that she would have to pay the account or her credit would be tarnished. I also suggested she call the cops on Dog and file criminal charges because her dumb granddaughter shouldn't have abused her like that.

Of course BigMama made all kinds of excuses for Dog: she's had a hard time, she's a good girl, she must have thought she could pay it, etc etc. Both BigMama and I knew Dog, with her sorry tail, wasn't going to do anything about paying that money back. I wanted to find Dog and beat her down after what she had done to her grandmother.

A friend shared this story of a private nurse finding her charge's checks and almost putting the poor old guy in bankruptcy by spending about $130k before the bank alerted the guy's son about the large sums that were being withdrawn. So, where was this guy's son in all of this and why wasn't he keeping better watch over his daddy's business? By the time they caught up with the nurse most of the money was gone so all they could do was ship her to prison.

At the call center we would get the calls where the children stole their parents' cards and spent money. Of course the parents then called us and blamed US for allowing the charges to go through! I'm sorry, are we supposed to teach your bad-assed kids morals? Hell-to-the-no! These people actually tell us we should eat the charges because Jr. didn't have to show ID when using the card. We always come back with, "Either pay the money or file police charges against Jr." We really want to say, "Listen, idiot! Give Jr. a good beat-down, pay the money and take all Jr.'s designer clothes, his stereo, iPOD, shoes, car, Sidekick, Xbox, spending money and make him get a job to pay you back." Why you people think we're responsible for your bad kids is amazing!

This link is an interesting article about how rampant ID theft is in the elderly community. Read it when you have time and remember, the moral of this story is after you give your parent over to the care of some stranger, make sure you're checking up on him. If you don't and thieves take all his money, he'll have to move back in w/you and you'll have to clean that bedpan. Understand?

Read the Fine Print Before Applying for that Card!

I've worked in and around call centers for the better part of 15 years and it still amazes me when I hear stories of how crazy people, who know they've not paid their bills, or don't understand how to reconcile accounts, or who just don't understand continue to call customer service wanting the moon handed to them on a silver platter.

In this great United States there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of call centers who answer for credit card companies, insurance, medical questions, help desks, order desks, you name it. And I know that every one of these offices has had to handle calls from people like you who think giving phone reps a hard time is your God-given right. Well, you really don't have that right and your harassment of phone reps just highlights to us how stupid you really are!

Take this example:

This older gentleman wants a credit card and keeps applying for one. Each time he's been turned down. Not realizing he's on a marketing mailing list, he keeps getting these solicitations and dude keeps filling 'em out and sending 'em in, not thinking he's gonna get the same answer as before..."Drop dead, deadbeat!" Finally, after pulling a credit report he gets the ugly surprise that all of those rejected pleas for a credit card has now further damaged his already low CBR. So, deadbeat dude gets his daughter to call in and complain. Lucky me, I get the call and have to deal with "Attitude Angela".

After patiently trying to get her to understand that we have to talk to daddy she says, "If you want to keep your job, you get your supervisor on the phone now!" Now c'mon, does she really think she's so important that my supervisor will drop everything to talk to her? Yep. So now, I've got to tell Miss Attitude to zip it up and put daddy on the phone or I'm disconnecting the call. This gets her really sizzled up but at least daddy gets on the phone- with Miss A on the other line.

I explain to daddy that he should have read the fine print, that each time he sends the application in we're gonna pull a credit report. Of course daddy doesn't read the fine print, probably because he CAN'T read the fine print. So now he's gonna sue us and all that other garbage that he thinks will make us remove all those declines from his credit report. Guess who gets to tell him we're not doing that? Yep, friendly old phone rep me.

Finally, after waving down my supe she takes the call to explain everything I just said, but slower because if daddy and Miss Attitude hadn't understood the first 15 minutes of my explanation they sure won't understand it again, right? Right. So now both daddy and Miss A keep up with the threats and complaints and you know what my supe does? She puts down the phone, walks over to get something from the copier, comes back and starts humming and hahing just like she was there all the time! I swear! I thought I was going to fall off my chair from laughter when I saw that! Finally daddy and Miss A hang up vowing to never use our service again. Promise?

The moral of the story? Read the fine print BEFORE applying for cards. Even if those offers say you're pre-approved for a card, read the fine print you'll see that you're pre-approved to APPLY for the card. So, save your already sucky credit score and apply for a secured card. Another thing, don't let your daughter call for you if she can't understand how to read the fine print too okay?